For most of you that read this (my family and closest friends) - you are fully aware of the TRAIN I was speaking of in December last year. Well - that train ride has come and gone and it has been exactly a year today that it hit me. Here's how it changed me:
I hit an all time low for weight about 2 weeks after I was let go. Yup - I lost my appetite and lost about 10 lbs really fast. It was a surreal time for me, so food didn't matter like it used to. Eventually, I found my old, lost friend and had a hay-day or two with it during the year. Not only did I gain that damn 10 lbs back, but I also gained another 7 effing lbs on top of it. (so technically, I'm only up 7 lbs, right?).
I was in ww when I was let go, and because it was @ work, I obviously had to stop going there. ww reimbursed me the $ for the remainder of the weeks - probably because they felt sorry for me. I'm also part of a voluntary health care program for weight loss - but because I was a ww drop out, my nurse was ticked. She said I could stay in the voluntary program, as long as I stayed within the same weight. And if so, I was actually rewarded $ in return.
But like a total moron, in December of last year, I told her my really low weight # that I was at the time. I wasn't able to get it off for the next 3 quarters, too. So I lost that reward $ this year. She is about to call any day, and because it is now 1 year, I am now a voluntary weight loss program drop out, too.
My husband has lost about 25 lbs this past year - as he gets free ww @ work. But because $ was questionable this last year, I didn't go back to ww, myself. Big mistake. I couldn't find the $150 or so for myself? I gave up alot of things this year - and it is apparent on myself. I said losing a job wasn't worth gaining weight - and it isn't. I fooled myself into thinking my weight gain was my new schedule, staying at home and being near the fridge - unsupervised.
It was all of the above, but it was me not putting me first, most of all. It is the nearing the holiday season when I always struggle - and now I find myself having to LOSE weight - and on my own. And I simply can't.
I'm jealous of how good my husband looks and feels - and it makes me feel even worse about myself. I know that is crappy of me, but I really am jealous of how good he feels. All my hard work down the drain and onto my ass & hips. All those clothes I got last year that fit and now they hang ignored in the closet. I refuse to buy new, bigger clothes - that was a promise I made a long time ago - and one I will always keep.
So, I have 4 weeks to get my ass in gear and get back on the ww wagon, er uh, train. I know I can do it and even though I don't always feel it - I know I'm worth it.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Check out my new bod!
Taken at Mongolian BBQ (for their healthy promotion).
I'm their poster child :)
I'm their poster child :)
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
New everything
As most of you know, a running train ran right over me last Tuesday. A train that I've been trying to outrun for years. A train that I couldn't stop, no matter what I did - but keep going as fast as I could.
That said, my life has changed drastically in the last week. No, I'm not dying, but a part of me did. And with change, good things can happen, too. When I am stressed, I usually over eat. Not this time. That damn train is not worth it.
I've been ignoring the scale until just now - and I'm down 4 pounds. I only have my home scale as a judge, as ww is going to reimburse me the remainder of the new session. I have to find a new place for my weigh-ins now. My plan is to continue to follow the ww "way" on my own until the beginning of January and rejoin for meetings closer to home. Until then, I'm going to enjoy the holidays and not overindulge. Even if I wanted to, that train took some of my appetite as it rear ended me. Stupid train. It'll derail - but not because of me.
That said, my life has changed drastically in the last week. No, I'm not dying, but a part of me did. And with change, good things can happen, too. When I am stressed, I usually over eat. Not this time. That damn train is not worth it.
I've been ignoring the scale until just now - and I'm down 4 pounds. I only have my home scale as a judge, as ww is going to reimburse me the remainder of the new session. I have to find a new place for my weigh-ins now. My plan is to continue to follow the ww "way" on my own until the beginning of January and rejoin for meetings closer to home. Until then, I'm going to enjoy the holidays and not overindulge. Even if I wanted to, that train took some of my appetite as it rear ended me. Stupid train. It'll derail - but not because of me.
Friday, December 5, 2008
New session
Today was the first meeting in our ww session. As many times as I've joined ww, this is only the second time I'm going back-to-back. (I'm guilty of thinking I've learned the game and I'll continue it on my own) - why I'm back - a "repeat offender".
I remembered my old book with my weight from two weeks ago. I guess I could have pretended it was a brand new session with a brand new weight. But I couldn't. I had to know how I had done over the past two weeks. I simply would not just start over and weigh-in "heavy" with shoes, stuff in my pockets, etc. After all, it was hard to take it off, no way did I want to have to re-lose some weight.
As we were in line, we were asked our height. This, is by far, to my advantage. If you're 5'0" you get less food. But those of us who have to wear talls (5'10") obviously need more. (ha ha). When you lose a "decade" of pounds, you also have to re-evaluate your points. Those bigger get more. Simple.
So the new fellow ww in front of me is asked "how tall are you?" and she replied 5'0". Ok, seriously, she barely came up to my elbows. It was hard not to laugh. I really think she was trying to get every extra point out of the system. I was wearing my high heel boots, so I know a 6 footer in those puppies. Don't tell me my head to my elbows is only a foot. Funny. When I was aked my height, I thought about saying 6'7" but didn't want to push my luck.
As for the weigh-in, there were some celebrations for gains. Yes, some people were pleased they ONLY gained X amount over Thanksgiving in two weeks. Most people said they would be glad to maintain as they waited to get on the dreaded scale after turkey, stuffing and all the goodies from Thanksgiving. Obviously, it is extremely difficult to lose over the holidays - especially when ww is out for two weeks. There's two whole weeks we're left unattended and all hell can break lose.
But I held myself accountable (and I still had a nice Thanksgiving). I lost 1.4 pounds - making my total loss 28.4 pounds. My goal this session is to lose 13 pounds - makinig 40 pounds total. ONLY 11.6 to go!
I remembered my old book with my weight from two weeks ago. I guess I could have pretended it was a brand new session with a brand new weight. But I couldn't. I had to know how I had done over the past two weeks. I simply would not just start over and weigh-in "heavy" with shoes, stuff in my pockets, etc. After all, it was hard to take it off, no way did I want to have to re-lose some weight.
As we were in line, we were asked our height. This, is by far, to my advantage. If you're 5'0" you get less food. But those of us who have to wear talls (5'10") obviously need more. (ha ha). When you lose a "decade" of pounds, you also have to re-evaluate your points. Those bigger get more. Simple.
So the new fellow ww in front of me is asked "how tall are you?" and she replied 5'0". Ok, seriously, she barely came up to my elbows. It was hard not to laugh. I really think she was trying to get every extra point out of the system. I was wearing my high heel boots, so I know a 6 footer in those puppies. Don't tell me my head to my elbows is only a foot. Funny. When I was aked my height, I thought about saying 6'7" but didn't want to push my luck.
As for the weigh-in, there were some celebrations for gains. Yes, some people were pleased they ONLY gained X amount over Thanksgiving in two weeks. Most people said they would be glad to maintain as they waited to get on the dreaded scale after turkey, stuffing and all the goodies from Thanksgiving. Obviously, it is extremely difficult to lose over the holidays - especially when ww is out for two weeks. There's two whole weeks we're left unattended and all hell can break lose.
But I held myself accountable (and I still had a nice Thanksgiving). I lost 1.4 pounds - making my total loss 28.4 pounds. My goal this session is to lose 13 pounds - makinig 40 pounds total. ONLY 11.6 to go!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thanksgiving down, Christmas to go
Ok - one major holiday has now passed and the grand-daddy of them all is coming in 25 days.
WW meetings start back this Friday for the new session. It will be two weeks since the last weigh in. TWO WEEKS. Do you know how much damage you can do in two weeks? A lot. As of this morning, the scale says ONLY two pounds up. I guess I didn't do as bad as I thought. But here is where the two pounds came from:
I made FIVE batches of Chex-Mix last Tuesday. It is simply the best snack ever. And I make it as low calorie/fat grams as I can. Well, not actually that low, but it is made with low-fat margarine, pretzels & ChezIts. But because that damn cereal comes in huge boxes, I make the entire stash all at once. It is not worth keeping as cereal. (Have you ever seen anyone actually eat Chex cereal as cereal? Neither have I). So I make this huge vat of delicious buttery, salty carbs and I try to sabotage my family with it. That way, I can't eat all of it. I left two containers of it at our house, and 5 days later, there are mere crumbs of deliciousness left. This whole weekend, I've woken in the middle of night thirsty as hell. I just can't help myself - as if it is a drug. And in I'll be making more for Christmas. Help!
As good as I am with Chex-Mix, my Mom is the best for Thanksgiving. No one comes close to her turkey. No one. And she had potatoes, gravy, stuffing, green beans, sweet potatoes with goo on top, cranberry relish, big fluffy rolls with butter and fruit salad. Two pies were for dessert, too.
I took no seconds, except for the fruit salad. I barely tasted the gravy, potatoes and stuffing. And I skipped the rolls entirely. That way, I could sample both kinds of pie. Ok, they were really, really slivers, not pieces. And I didn't eat the crust from the pumpkin pie. But I did have one of my Dad's pecan squares instead to compensate.
We ran around alot the rest of the weekend - finding time in-between meals to snack on the Chex-Mix. I really have a problem. I'll have to figure out how to make it delicious to others, but not me.
So tomorrow is Monday and only five days until my weigh-in. I have a lot to make up for, but I know I can do it. First, I need to get the Chex-Mix out of the house. I also have to get rid of the Thanksgiving goodies and make room for the Christmas ones...
WW meetings start back this Friday for the new session. It will be two weeks since the last weigh in. TWO WEEKS. Do you know how much damage you can do in two weeks? A lot. As of this morning, the scale says ONLY two pounds up. I guess I didn't do as bad as I thought. But here is where the two pounds came from:
I made FIVE batches of Chex-Mix last Tuesday. It is simply the best snack ever. And I make it as low calorie/fat grams as I can. Well, not actually that low, but it is made with low-fat margarine, pretzels & ChezIts. But because that damn cereal comes in huge boxes, I make the entire stash all at once. It is not worth keeping as cereal. (Have you ever seen anyone actually eat Chex cereal as cereal? Neither have I). So I make this huge vat of delicious buttery, salty carbs and I try to sabotage my family with it. That way, I can't eat all of it. I left two containers of it at our house, and 5 days later, there are mere crumbs of deliciousness left. This whole weekend, I've woken in the middle of night thirsty as hell. I just can't help myself - as if it is a drug. And in I'll be making more for Christmas. Help!
As good as I am with Chex-Mix, my Mom is the best for Thanksgiving. No one comes close to her turkey. No one. And she had potatoes, gravy, stuffing, green beans, sweet potatoes with goo on top, cranberry relish, big fluffy rolls with butter and fruit salad. Two pies were for dessert, too.
I took no seconds, except for the fruit salad. I barely tasted the gravy, potatoes and stuffing. And I skipped the rolls entirely. That way, I could sample both kinds of pie. Ok, they were really, really slivers, not pieces. And I didn't eat the crust from the pumpkin pie. But I did have one of my Dad's pecan squares instead to compensate.
We ran around alot the rest of the weekend - finding time in-between meals to snack on the Chex-Mix. I really have a problem. I'll have to figure out how to make it delicious to others, but not me.
So tomorrow is Monday and only five days until my weigh-in. I have a lot to make up for, but I know I can do it. First, I need to get the Chex-Mix out of the house. I also have to get rid of the Thanksgiving goodies and make room for the Christmas ones...
Friday, November 21, 2008
Maintenance
Blech - that's me this week.The first time in 17 weeks. I should not be hard on myself, as it is what adds up that counts.
But maintenance is also my goal for the next two weeks as the next WW session begins on December 5th. I hope to stay the same during the Thanksgiving time off. This easy goal is obtainable, as I'll have a week afterward to make up for anything "naughty". (stuffing, gravy, pecan pie, and I can go on and on) :)
But maintenance is also my goal for the next two weeks as the next WW session begins on December 5th. I hope to stay the same during the Thanksgiving time off. This easy goal is obtainable, as I'll have a week afterward to make up for anything "naughty". (stuffing, gravy, pecan pie, and I can go on and on) :)
Week 17
It's about an hour and a half before weigh in and my stomach is growling. I deserve it because I didn't give it any attention last night. I had a hard week, and I don't know why. Maybe my body is rebelling after a 3 pound loss? Could be. Could be it is finally catching up to me, as 27 lbs is a lot to lose in 17 weeks. My weight this week fluctuated a bit, and I was up 2 lbs yesterday. The scale at home says it has leveled off again. It just goes to show the bigger you are, the more it can fluctuate. I also have a huge issue with having a gain on weigh in day. So I am determined to not let it happen. This week is going to be close, though.
I am starting to see the good things of losing weight - and by now, most people can see it (off) me. My clothes are too big and I don't know what to do about it. I just can't give away everything. I know it is best to get rid of the larger clothes. I don't need them anymore - but I have to wear something. I've bought some articles, but I can't buy an entire wardrobe for this size. I want to lose 38 more pounds, so I hope to be in an even smaller size by then. If at 27 pounds I've dropped as size, then surely another with 38 pounds. Or can I even dream of 2 sizes? Who knows.
My weight today is below my wedding weight five years ago. And I felt and looked good then. I know what size I am today and I haven't gotten much lighter in over 10 years. So I'm having a hard time picturing myself smaller. Something WW doesn't address. I don't know what it is like to wear a size 16 - haven't since at least high school. The smallest size I've owned in 23 years or so has been 18 - and that is what I am today.
I know, most people would die if they were that size, but not me. When you're busting out of a size 28, a size 18 is a huge accomplishment. And I can pat myself no the back for the that. Many people remember me at that size, so they call me "skinny" now. It makes me feel good, but it is a back handed slap in the face sometimes, too. I'm in no way skinny. I never will be, either. But I have to make a new goal for the next WW session. Wondering what is really obtainable for me in the next weeks. I hit my goal this session and then some. And I know it gets harder as I go, so I have to set a high goal that is obtainable. Maybe to lose 15 pounds? I might still be in a size 18 with that - but hopefully by then I will be able to wear a belt that you can see! :)
I am starting to see the good things of losing weight - and by now, most people can see it (off) me. My clothes are too big and I don't know what to do about it. I just can't give away everything. I know it is best to get rid of the larger clothes. I don't need them anymore - but I have to wear something. I've bought some articles, but I can't buy an entire wardrobe for this size. I want to lose 38 more pounds, so I hope to be in an even smaller size by then. If at 27 pounds I've dropped as size, then surely another with 38 pounds. Or can I even dream of 2 sizes? Who knows.
My weight today is below my wedding weight five years ago. And I felt and looked good then. I know what size I am today and I haven't gotten much lighter in over 10 years. So I'm having a hard time picturing myself smaller. Something WW doesn't address. I don't know what it is like to wear a size 16 - haven't since at least high school. The smallest size I've owned in 23 years or so has been 18 - and that is what I am today.
I know, most people would die if they were that size, but not me. When you're busting out of a size 28, a size 18 is a huge accomplishment. And I can pat myself no the back for the that. Many people remember me at that size, so they call me "skinny" now. It makes me feel good, but it is a back handed slap in the face sometimes, too. I'm in no way skinny. I never will be, either. But I have to make a new goal for the next WW session. Wondering what is really obtainable for me in the next weeks. I hit my goal this session and then some. And I know it gets harder as I go, so I have to set a high goal that is obtainable. Maybe to lose 15 pounds? I might still be in a size 18 with that - but hopefully by then I will be able to wear a belt that you can see! :)
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